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Conversations with the Inspiring Femi Olafioye-Omogbehin

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Today we’d like to introduce you to Femi Olafioye-Omogbehin.

So, before we jump into specific questions about the business, why don’t you give us some details about you and your story.
Oh man, I feel like there are so many ways to go with this. Basically, I’m the daughter of two Nigerian immigrants and I’ve lived in San Diego all my life. I spent a lot, if not most, of my time around white people and idolizing whiteness — I went to mostly white schools, ran in mostly white friend groups, consumed mostly white media. My earliest memories of this were when I was in elementary school — I would walk around the house with a towel slung over my head, flipping it over my shoulder pretending it was my hair. All my favorite Disney princesses had hair that was European style/texture, all the pretty women in magazines and commercials had hair like that as well, so I thought to be beautiful, that’s what my hair had to look like. Anything else was unacceptable.

As I grew up, that trend continued. My favorite TV shows had mostly white casts, the magazines I read featured white models/actresses, the books I read were about white people (not necessarily denoted but always correctly assumed). If there *was* a black character in one of these shows or movies or books, they were usually the “sassy sidekick”, the loud/ghetto neighbor, the token, an extra — someone whose story I didn’t feel I could relate to and the audience didn’t really have to care about. In magazines, I noticed that the black woman is shown, was often off to the side or behind the centered white woman. She was also usually *much* lighter skinned than me. And I began to internalize this message, that my blackness made me undesirable. The darker you were, the more masculine, the less beautiful you were. I wanted lighter skin, straighter hair, lighter eyes, smaller hips, thinner lips. I did everything I could to make people “forget” I was black because I felt like my blackness was a handicap or somehow threatening. And this wasn’t just normal teen angst or feeling uncomfortable in/getting to know #YourChangingBody, for me, there was a deep hatred of myself. I would come home every day and berate myself in the mirror for not having the traits I felt I needed to be beautiful, to be seen, to be loved, and it was very painful and very devastating.

Thank God, one day when I was scrolling through Tumblr around the age of 24, I stumbled upon some black girl beauty blogs. These women weren’t the “best friend”, they weren’t the tokens or extras, they were centered. And dark-skinned. And Gorgeous! And it was the first time I thought: “Hey wait they look like me! And they’re so beautiful! Maybe I can be beautiful too!”

This was around 2013/14. At the same time, I was discovering these blogs, I was also noticing what was happening in the world around me. Trayvon Martin was murdered a couple of years beforehand, and though I was still steeped in the throes of internalized racism (a term I couldn’t join until years later), something about that incident gave me pause — just the slightest bit of “Wait a minute… that doesn’t feel right.” (I know, I know, there should have been more than an inkling, but again, I was still drinking the kool-aid.) Then, when Michael Brown was murdered in 2014, I was like “Oh OHHHHkay. This is what America is about.” And I began learning about racism, not just as individual acts committed by Klansmen, or something we “fixed” with MLK’s “I Have A Dream” speech, but as a system — THE system — that has been running America since her inception. I realized that despite being led to believe that America had finally reached a “post-racial”, “United Colors of Benetton” type state, racism was still *very* alive and *very* well in this country. And I realized that all the self-hatred I had suffered, I had been taught. Through consistent messaging, both subtle and outright, I had been told that my blackness was something to be ashamed of, to hate, to hide.

So, I began my process of unlearning racism and White Supremacy, which I’m still on and believe I will forever be on. And recognizing the damage that I had undergone by not seeing myself adequately represented in the world around me, I decided I wanted to create that representation for other black women, so that they wouldn’t feel how I felt — so that instead they could feel seen, and beautiful, and know that their blackness isn’t something to be ashamed of, it’s to be celebrated and embraced. And I wanted to share the process of practicing that because we can know something in our heads but still struggle with it practically.

Since I love writing, and meaningful conversation, and growing in emotional health/self-discovery (been in therapy for five years and counting heyooo!) I figured creating a brand centered on what I’m calling Self-Love Activism — that is being candid about emotional healing and self-acceptance but making it clear that my brand is FOR black women — to heal the wounds that systemic racism and misogyny has wrought made the most sense.

So, in 2015, at the suggestion of my therapist, I started my blog Femiio. And in 2018, I launched Femiio as a full business, based on myself. My thoughts, lessons I’ve learned, the advice I can share, and anything else I can do to help black women on their journeys towards self-love.

Great, so let’s dig a little deeper into the story – has it been an easy path overall and if not, what were the challenges you’ve had to overcome?
Ooooh, are we talking about the road towards self-love or the road towards starting a business? I mean I guess the answers for both are “No,” haha. Neither has been smooth roads.

For the journey towards self-love, I mean that is every day, every minute, lifelong practice. I love using the word “practice” for it because it takes the pressure off ever having a finished product, all you have to do is try every day. Some days trying looks like a full day of self-care, some days it’s just purposing to say *one* nice thing to yourself in the mirror. And yeah, it’s rough, I mean when you’ve been taught to hate yourself unchallenged for the better part of your life, undoing those beaten neurological pathways is work. Sometimes things still pop up — the other day I noticed as I was getting dressed for a date, I was choosing earrings to wear and as I reached for my gold bamboo hoops I thought “Well, I don’t want to look like a ghetto/angry black woman”!! Right like where did that come from? I love my gold hoops, I wear them often without a second thought. But that’s what conditioning looks like, it sneaks up when you least expect it. And it’s almost *never* a thought we’re proud of, rather it’s usually something horribly racist, horribly misogynist, or in this case both. And I think sometimes because the shame that comes with acknowledging those thoughts is so great, instead of working through them we try to stuff them down and pretend they didn’t happen or that they “came out of nowhere.” No honey, they came from somewhere. They came from your mind and your beliefs, but the key is to remember: you were taught to believe and think these things, and you can unlearn them! The sooner we can acknowledge the ugly thoughts with grace, the sooner we can examine and dismantle them, the closer we get to being able to truly love ourselves and each other well.

So, for young women starting on their journeys towards self-love, I would say, don’t expect to be good at it. The worst thing is to beat yourself up, and then beat yourself up for beating yourself up because now, you’ve fallen short of your “self-love goal” or whatever. Remember that it’s a practice and every day is different, but as long as you try you’re doing great.

I would also say, observe the way you talk to yourself. Sometimes, I say things to myself and when I stop to observe it I’m like “I would never in my life say that to another human being, why am I talking to myself this way?” People say you should talk to yourself the way you would talk to your best friend and that shit’s real, it works! Try it, greet yourself in the morning like you’re seeing your best friend and she looks so cute like she always does. See how you feel!

And then, in case, you were asking about the road to business, I’ll just give a few brief thoughts on that as well. Again no, the road has not been smooth and continues to not be smooth. It feels like every day, I wake up to an exponentially growing mountain of “To-Do’s”, and one of my biggest struggles has actually been to narrow the focus of my work because there are so many avenues I want to explore. I think another challenge pursuing my own business has raised is it calls out my belief. To do something like starting a business for yourself requires abundant, exorbitant, astronomical levels of belief in yourself and your work and, to be honest, you don’t feel it every day. Some days, you feel tired, and like another dollar will never grace your bank account ever again. In those moments affirmations have been really helpful. Dedicating myself to the practice of speaking over my life the things that I want, even when I don’t feel like it, even if it’s in the most monotone voice I can muster, and even if I don’t feel better afterwards. It goes back to practice, diligence, coming back to the thing you want to achieve every single day. Setting your mind to it, literally, with your words. So, that’s one piece of advice I would give to someone starting out on a business journey, pick out some affirmations — they don’t have to be fancy or super spiritual, they literally just have to feel good. Say some sentences to yourself that feel good every day and do it even when you don’t feel like it and even when saying them doesn’t make you feel better afterwards. Trust that change is happening even if you can’t discern it.

What should we know about Femiio? What do you guys do best? What sets you apart from the competition?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool, okay! So, as I mentioned, I’m billing myself as a Self-Love Activist. I write, paint, and process, and everything is done with the intention of sharing my processing in the hope that I can illuminate something for someone else that helps them on their journey and in their process.

I guess you could also say I’m known for being the black woman who ingested White Supremacy at full force and is now undoing that in herself and sharing her way through it to help others undo it in themselves. Not that my story is unique, because I *know* I’m not the only person who grew up often being the only black person in a room, who’s been told they’re “not black enough” or asked why they “sounded white.” And I *know* I’m not the only person working through this self-love thing, I think I can confidently say we’re all going through that. It’s more that I’m the one — or A one — willing to share that process publicly.

I’ve also been told I have an ability to explain complex topics in a way that is accessible and at times humorous, which I’m proud of because a lot of the things I talk about are pretty heavy-hitters: racism, self-love, emotional health, white supremacy, faith. All topics that can easily scare anyone trying to approach them, but also topics that are so important to examine in ourselves. So, if I can talk or write about them in a way that makes people feel safe to explore but also challenges them towards growth, I’m stoked about that. I’ve also been told I write exactly how I speak, which I think is a fun thing (remember when I started this answer with the sentence “Yeah yeah yeah cool okay!”?)

Who do you look up to? How have they inspired you?
1. Luvvie Ajayi

Finding Luvvie’s blog and Instagram was a watershed moment in the growth of my business because it was the first time I saw someone doing *exactly* what I wanted to do. Before I knew about her, my job description felt amorphous, it felt like I couldn’t accurately express what I was aiming at. I want to put my thoughts into the world, I want to comment on things and connect with my audience through that and through my writing, I want to speak but I also want to write a book, and inspire through my blog, and consult, and write official show recaps, and design a fashion line, and maybe screen-write. I mean Luvvie doesn’t do all those things per se, but she’s still a “multi-hyphenate” as she calls it. And when I discovered her and her story, it felt like I’d finally found a map for what I wanted to accomplish. Not necessarily one I could follow step for step because everyone’s life and the story are different, but — you know when you look at old-timey maps, and they’re not exact mirrors of maps you’d find on Google but you get the general idea of how things are laid out? It felt like finding something like that. I’ve also felt a real kinship with her story, how she started with a blog that she wasn’t sure anyone was reading but she kept coming back to, how she was slow to see her writing as a gift, how she’s also been lauded as having writing that is accessible and comedic, while still being direct. So, yeah, she’s definitely been and continues to be an inspiration, I’m very grateful to have found her work.

2. Beyonce

I mean come on. We knew she’d be on this list right? She is one of the most naturally and effortlessly talented people in the world and STILL works as though she were one of the least. Her work ethic and dedication to her craft are awe-inspiring, and I think it’s been amazing to watch her grow into herself as an artist. Lemonade is one of my favorite albums, not only because she *bodied* every music genre, but because it was a work of processing. There were so much emotion and rawness and vulnerability in it. And it takes a lot of self-assurance to be that vulnerable. You have to get reallllll safe with yourself before you can feel safe putting something like that out into the world. So yeah, I’m inspired by her creativity, her genius, her emotional process, and the growth she’s shown us in her art.

3. My mother

I will forever name her in questions like this because the things she has been able to achieve thus far are truly boggling. One of my friends once said of my mother that “she accomplished in one generation what most immigrant families struggle to accomplish in three.” She came to this country from Nigeria, with a degree that America refused to recognize, so she went back to school while raising a child (present!), got her masters AND Ph.D., bought property, worked her way to the top of her field, and is generally the definition of a bad-ass. She is completely unconventional, bucks whatever boxes or limits anyone tries to put on her and is hands down the hardest worker I know. Any entrepreneurial spirit, any courage I have to follow my dream comes from her.

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