Today we’d like to introduce you to Melissa McClave.
Hi Melissa, thanks for joining us today. We’d love for you to start by introducing yourself.
I’m a Death Doula in private practice. I advocate for normalizing conversations about the physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects of dying and death. I believe discussing dying and death is a way for people to accept mortality as part of their life experience. Death Doulas are non-medical support for the dying and their families.
In 2017, my friend Claudia invited me to accompany her on her final recurrence of cancer, and I saw her take charge of her treatment and plan her memorial. When it was evident she was dying, she showed me how it is an act of love to communicate your wishes for how you die and how you want to be remembered. I thought that was amazing and realized that everybody should be able to die surrounded by the things they love. I also learned there is never enough detail to leave when planning your memorial service. Or the importance of leaving your usernames and passwords with someone who will close your online accounts and memorialize your social media pages.
In early 2018, I read Caitlin Doughty’s 2014 book “Smoke Gets In Your Eyes” and discovered there was already a movement to change our relationship with dying and death. That’s when I discovered there was a vocation called Death Doula.
In 2018, I attended a one-day seminar that focused on the role of the physical and technical details of dying and death. I became a hospice volunteer, did an intensive end-of-life doula training course through the International End of Life Doula Association (INELDA), started attending Death Cafes, and dove deep into learning how I can help people have some say over their death.
I became a volunteer with Compassion&Choices, a national non-profit that lobbies for the right to die on your terms, including medical aid in dying (MAiD) and voluntary stopping of eating and drinking (VSED). I host free workshops using their materials to discuss what end-of-life options appeal to you, staff their tables at local events, and partake in their webinars.
Since 2018, I have broadened my skills by taking classes and attending many palliative care conferences hosted by Cal State University San Marcos (CSUMC) Shiley Institute of Palliative Care, including earning a “Certificate in Pediatric Palliative Care.”
The Covid lockdown of 2020 allowed me to host virtual Death Cafes. I host multiple Death Cafes each month, two online and one in-person. Although my ability to meet with clients in person was stifled, I pivoted to help clients virtually by helping families through phone calls and texts.
In 2022, I accepted my first “unexpected death” client family. That experience has taught me more about compassion, bureaucracy, and the value of rituals based on loving connection than anything I’ve learned through formal instruction.
In 2023, I partnered with another Death Doula to help improve end-of-life conversations in English and Spanish communities. We were selected to present workshops as part of the World Design Capitol 2024 (WDC2024)
Today, I am an active member of INELDA, National End-of-life Doula Alliance (NEDA), Death Cafe, Compassion and Choices, and World Design Capitol 2024 (WDC2024), as well as helping people navigate their hospice, body disposition, legacy of love, and memorial ceremonies. Every Death Doula comes to this vocation with unique gifts and strengths. My gifts are time, compassion, and the courage to witness others experience the end-of-life journey of their loved ones.
We all face challenges, but looking back, would you describe it as a relatively smooth road?
The most significant barrier to being a Death Doula is the lack of awareness and standardized certification. I spend many hours in the company of recognized professionals reluctant to support me as a non-standard death care professional. The COVID lockdown required me to change direction from a hands-on “diagnosis-to-death ” model to something more physically distant.
Appreciate you sharing that. What should we know about Last Acts Of Love?
I started Last Acts Of Love in 2018 and have helped over 100 families navigate the dying and death of a loved one. I work with people to find shared experiences of love with their loved ones to help them accept their death surrounded by loving energy. I advocate for people to consider their options from palliative care to legacy. A loved one can be a person or an animal. I’ve helped people through the deaths of both. I specialize in guiding people through their memory of 1) when they felt love for the dying, 2) when they felt their loved one’s love, and 3) how their loved one’s life has made the world a better place. I’m most proud of my ability to open conversations that people think avoiding is the best for all. I practice active listening and keep the focus on loving connection. No conversation’s too taboo for me to share around dying and death. You can learn more about how I can help you with the inevitable. My website is https://lastactsoflove.com/ if you want to learn more.
Do you have recommendations for books, apps, blogs, etc.?
Favorite Books: Transcend-Scott Barry Kaufman, Stuck-Britt Frank, Smoke Gets In Your Eyes-Caitlin Dougherty, Mortality-Christopher Hutchins, The Unwinding of the Miracle- by Julie Yip-Williams (it’s a podcast, too), Meditations- by Marcus Aurelius, You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me- Sherman Alexie
Favorite Apps- Headspace, Podcast App, My Directives, Music
Podcasts- Myths and Legends, the Daily Stoic, The ZDoggMD Show, Where Should We Begin, You Are Not So Smart, The Skeptics’ Guide to the Universe, Bob Forrest’s Don’t Die, Plenary Session, The Psychology Podcast, Walk Through Grief with Grace
Other Resources- Yoga with Adriene, 12-Step Fellowship, Death Doula meet-ups, live entertainment, library visits, walking my dog, travel, hanging out with my husband and kids
Contact Info:
- Website: https://lastactsoflove.com/
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/lastactsoflove/
- Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melissa-mcclave-200288b3/
Image Credits
Melissa McClave
